There and back again

For this is not the tale of Mr. B. Baggins, but rather 5.7foot high ape descendant who is trying to catch your attention by giving bits of bait to the click.

*Clears throat* immediately wonders why that must be done while writing 🤔
5 minutes later. Towel! No, that’s not it…

Hi! I wish to address some of the realities of going trough a Gender Reassignment Surgery (Grs from now on) I spoke of the wonders of grs in my last entry, but this will look at the other side of the coin. My journey from first having grs, having 2 weeks home, complications arose, another Operation, 3 weeks more at the hospital and some final words.

8 years from making up my mind, all the years it took me too make up my mind, none of it would prepare me for the storm of emotions that would occur.

Gender Reassignment Surgery
Sunday night, I arrive at my room, it dawns on me, that the following morning i am having my goal, my dream of being whole come true! I start too sweat having, difficulties breathing and rashes start popping up all over my body, i nearly faint but a nurse talks me down, some time later i managed my obligatory shower and a pill to help me sleep, it worked. I wake the next morning being numb just making time pass, having a few words with the surgeon and driven to surgery, my last question before sleep was “Do you have the machine that goes *bing*”? they did! 🙂 a quick note as i progress: one thing is having family and friends supporting me to the doorstep, stepping trough is solitary.

Much has been told about the following week in my last entry, except of my constant morphine/epidural dreams: i think i am having a drink, call for a nurse and talking too them or looking at messages on my phone, then i wake up! I did neither, sometimes so frequent i loose sense of whats real. Taking its toll on my batteries

2nd week, the painkillers drop and eventually I lose my epidural and have a sense of self again, learning how too pee and having the epiphany “so that’s why all the toilet paper is gone” guys! you haven’t a F***ing clue!

Home
I get home, thinking: now im prepared, just dilate and relax! Much of the time this was true. But i never truly fully relaxed, always some tension, slept half ‘n half slumbering trough easter, having a sense i havent processed it all. Wednesday late evening of week 2 at home (3.5week post surgery) i sense something is not right, stitches have broken off and a weird discoloration, panics and call the hospital. I can’t get ahold of a doctor then, but they ask me to call early in the morning, i do and get booked on the first bus on friday, all this time i am scared shitless, is it broken already, 20 years down the drain. A feeling that will stick with me for quite some time.

Complication and 2nd surgery
I arrive, and it is necrosis, parts of the skin down there is dead or dying, the doctor that received me. Calls the surgeon and I am to check into my previous room immediately, so that he can check in on me during the day. Next few days i have my first experiences in the gyno chair, removing dead tissue and preparing me for repairs on friday (5weeks post op). I am to have a skin transplant to replace whats gone. Spending the tuesday/wednes trying to distract myself shopping and coffee touring Oslo, catching up with a few friends and having a good time. Before i get too my room on Wednesday evening, collapsing in bed, breathing heavily having an anxiety attack, i do not remember much between then and OP on friday other the agonising wait. I wake from surgery in in the worst pain i ever experienced, epidural isn’t in yet. I have to sit upright.. crouching my back while they stick a tube between 2 vertebral into my nerve system. Being a hairs width from screaming my lungs out. Remembering morphine and other meds being pumped in me, i estimate 30mins (i could be way off) before i start calming down and breathing properly….

Stepping back for a moment. Not everything all the time is bad or hurtful, and i skip moments of good talks with strangers i share room with, the time i was sure i heard a dog only to realise it was a child, spring flowers and a squirel But rather find the underlying feelings i have but i suppress, that will soon reveal themselves.

Weekend goes past, monday then Tuesday, Wednesdays I have my first tampon change, “have the operation been successful?” I go back under, and i wake up even more agonising than 5days ago, epidural seem to have little to no effect. Eventually the pain gets under control but im scared, confused and alone, i wait for the surgeon, but i cant get ahold of him before the following morning. Most seem to have settled, but we will not know all certain before monday. That night i have the worst nightmare i have ever experienced, in short: *in my dream* I am with someone near and being told how horrible i am, how useless and otherwise incapable of getting anything done etc… i break down completely and i wake with waterfalls out of my eyes and shaking all over. I pull a string and nurse comes over. I ask for a hug, having spilled my heart out, i get Valium, an hour later still having shivers, scared of falling asleep again but eventually just pass out.

Much of what happened before monday is a black haze, I was exhausted both mentally and physically. Luckily most has grown, more so the following day and I am to start my dilation schedule again. One nurse spends quite some time with me that evening, explaining that my body basically climbed mt. Everest. No wonder im spendt. We talk about the joys and all my fears before and during. She opens my eyes once more, pulling me from the depths, ” You are on the other side now, You made it! You have worth and wanted! What you feel is normal, let it out, today you have 2 tasks: dilate once, no more and sleep” she gives me a huge hug and leave work. That would the first good nights sleep i have in weeks. As of writing this, its saturday, i got great news yesterday, nearly everything has grown ‘n looks good, off antibiotics, blood thinners and soon painkillers. i get to go home on monday and start working in 2 weeks.

Final thoughts

Going trough something like this is no trifle matter, you pass trough hell, greet hades and return reborn. I mean not to scare but rather convey a truth rarely spoken off and a tool for me to prosses it. I want too have a special shoutout too nurses, my hats off, without you i wouldn’t made it. The job you do is amazing, so Thank you!

A journey done that can be measured in weeks, years or even decades is at an end. I am whole and ready for whats around the next corner, field or sea, see you there!

*Artistic scribbles that may resemble a signature*

On the 5th day

Saturday morning arises, my fifth day as a woman is about too begin!

A great many apifanies has crossed my mind, first and foremost: Im done, shit I AM ACTUALLY DONE, 20 years since i bought my first dress, 8 years since i asked myself the ultimatum (“do you want to live the rest of your life as a man” “f*** NO!”) and here i am, the first days of the rest of my days

I need not be afraid anymore, “i cannot do this or that cause.. its complicated and i overthink all my compllexes and i just turn silent” all i can think of now is moving forward and conquering the world ^_^

I get too have my 3rd puberty. xD i have yet too see more than my clit and the downward hill. but a mirror will be brought too me later today *squeeeeek* ❤ and i totaly had the strangest sensation so far! sorta feel where different parts used too reside, and where they now lie, supah weird but exiting! 😀

Just the thought of wearing a bikini for summer, fully and complete brings a great smile on my face 😀 hell just imagining any clothing, trying to imagine how it will feel ^_^

Im sooo psyched for the rest of my life 😀

A few words before the lalapills kicks inn, laters! ~Frida ^_^

At Journeys end

The feeling you get, when you are at the doorstep of “having your life’s dream come true”

In september i had my boobies done. The following mornin’ i stood in the mirror and saw me for the first time, body dismorphia was gone! the last operation (Grs) was now just a thing to get trough.

So now it is Seventeen days away from that day.   It finaly dawned on me: that i am to be reborn, leave all physical traces of what was, behind!   not as different person, but one with body and mind (for the very first time ♪ ♫)

I am scared for what can and cannot go wrong (during OP). Wary of the dialation schedule i have to uphold for the rest of my life.

A train of thoughts regarding intimacy: at one end i cannot wait until that can happen, even tho it will be along time still. so my 3rd puberty starts, getting to know one’s body all over again.
At the other end im scared shitless, ’cause i am so desensitized too being with another human, that the feeling i get, is a mixture of fear, panic and wanting to run away.

With a blur the day suddenly stands before me
we both stand by the door, saying our goodbye’
A lifetime to live
Life! Suprise me.

I know why am i afraid

Hi, its been awhile! i’ll try to write more as i enter quite the exciting fall.

All my fear, guilt, shame, illusions of my minds creation. Can all be summed up in a sentence  “I am afraid to send the wrong signals or message” and ultimately my only wish”Acceptance”

Let me explain: I have always been the slow one, not picking up on signals and hints. thus not knowing boundaries and social norms of what i can and perhaps shouldn’t say or do. For years if not decades, the one person i do not trust is me!

“Are you messing with me (banter), are you just trying to be kind to me or, are you indeed flirting with me”    I never know! “can i say or ask this to you, is it too much, gjee where are my filters, my leg touched you. I’M SO SORRY :(”

If i should be as bold to kiss or expressing my feelings(either love or my own misery) for someone, i feel guilty i did it, shameful that i did interfere with your emotions, and the illusion that you now hate me for it.

All this time putting myself ever deeper, saying things to myself, that i am useless, worthless, I deserve nothing and all the rest. Too a point now: where receiving any gift or kind words. either i spend days contemplating why anyone would be kind to the abomination that is me, or it straight up hurts.  I am shameful i do not appreciate friendship/kindness,

It is all Lies that has been told for years, how do i now dig myself out of this grave. I know that i have friends that i can trust and talk to. and that not all friends are for everything. I should not  be envious too my friends, being more educated, that they experienced or achieved more than I.

If the hospital can get the finger out of their arse and give me a set day for my Breast augmentation and SRS instead of delaying the tentative day in it can happen,the sooner i will be done! and the eternal search for a job will start again. hopeful i can meet the right manager who’s willing to see past my gigantic hole in my CV, my introvertednes, and see that i can work and learn quickly, even tho i have no papers.

I might have to uproot and move away from everyone, that i accept!  It may be the only way to fix my mind over time. perhaps the only way i can build sum dignity, bit o’ a spine and some trust that I CAN do something.That i need not have fear in my own survival. not having guilt because i exist, not having shame because i have an opinion and turn the illusion that I’m worthless too that i am worth it!

 

Many roads ahead, i cannot predict their outcome. all i know is: do not give up, you have friends that see past “flaws” and love you anyways. So Thank you!!! for reading this and staying with me!

XOXO~Frida

 

When did i change?

I was given the task my by shrink to mention 5 events that molded and shaped me to who i am today. I know of certain events or time-periods in my life that did change me, but exactly how or when the defining moment happened is hard to say.

I had a chat with my mom about this last night to help my mind find what it is looking for. I realized that at some point i became afraid of everything. not daring to take the chances, go that extra mile, i got cynical. when  why? as a youngling i was not afraid to stare right in the face of the new, intimidating or challenging.

My first meeting with death was my parents dog. A black ‘n tan cavalier king charles spaniel named shampis. I released his bonds and he ran across the yard, into the neighbor garden and further up to the road where i heard screeches from a car.  I was 3 and i still have guilt for his death.

Perhaps already during my first years of school i learned the harshness of this world, being kind and naive i was a quiet child. and an easy target for bullies. i was beaten or had a fight nearly daily. and once confronted by the teacher, never was my story believed.  i hated school and already in 4th grade i wished my teacher and certain students to be Dead! also the year i bursted and had several blackouts where i hurt other students that bullied me. 4-7th i probably skipped half the time i was supposed to be in class, either by faking sick or walking to school and locking myself in one of the lockers in the basement, walking home during the final hour of school so i would not meet anyone else. this lasted ~3months before my teacher met my mom at the store. wondering why i was so long gone.

Easter the year i finished 7th grade changed my life. me and my mother visited one of her colleagues and the other part of the house was available. my mom said yes immediately and i changed school and we moved in a week after. we where at the other end of town starting anew.
8th-10th grade was better. still a target for bullies and still skipping school, but i got friends and teachers that cared. After my confirmation i got enough money to buy my own computer. a place i was gonna spend the next 10years of my life in front of. Isolating me and escaping the outside world.

My first love happened when i was 20. a relationship that lasted 4years. i could be myself there, first steps into womanhood. atleast within the 4walls. her parents were a whole other cause, i had to play the part of boy while i was there, tormenting me every second.

Halloween 2007

October 2010 a photo was taken of me, one that would change my path forever, i knew now that becoming a woman full time was my only choice.  Excited when my mother wanted it in 100cm x 70cm canvas on her wall.

December same year i asked my mother what if i was born a girl, what would you name me?   she had already thought about it and named me Frida, 2weeks after i was lying in bed with my girlfriend, we decided this night that 4years was over. she drove me home for Christmas the following day and  Frida was born!

It is hard to know what exactly changed. and why i wont go much into newer events, i do not know their effect one me yet.  Like when i finally got “f.64.0 transsexualism” just about a year ago. it was a thrilling event to be sure, i have not had a month of me just smiling from ear to ear, but did it change  or mold me? Five last years absolutely has shaped me, i have grown and blossomed as Frida, but also a struggle for survival as i lost my job 4years ago.  A valuable lesson to be sure, knowing how to live on a minimum.

 

 

2015 in retrospect and STAR WARS!

Hi! we are nearing an end and new beginnings. so how has 2015 added up? also star wars!!!! but i will get back to that at the end.

14th of January i was accompanied by my very good friend Laila to visit the head doctor regarding if i would get ‘F.64.0 transsexualism’. The days prior i wrote a 2page essay on why i should get it and complaints it was taking forever, but the meeting lasted ~20minutes. i was given the question “are you entirely sure about this?”  some chitchat before me and Laila rushed downtown for our first beer (think it was @ 11:30)   before rounding up the troops and having a great party that evening, THANKS all that joined me that evening it was almost euphoria how happy i felt at that moment and the weeks to follow

Spring didn’t have much  of honorable mentions other than i  spoke to confirmants for my 3rd year about transitioning and trans-gender people, always a great day! i love speaking for these  children and seeing their reactions.

Jumping ahead to the end of July, i finally receive hormones from the proper sources, i started a year ago by my own accord  and also the reason why Rikshospitalet finally understood my sincerity about this transition, some days later and not a minute too soon: my maid of honor dress is in the house. weeee  amagad just 2small weeks until the wedding of Laila and Niels. An event i wrote extensively about earlier on this blogg

Summer was in many ways filled with joy, good company and good news but life change and fall comes along, putting a dark cloud on its surroundings. i fell  far and deep into depression and most of the 2nd half is affected by this, good days where rare. in November i took action to saving oneself and contacted a shrink whom i now had the introduction meeting with so i am hopeful to what will happen.

My voice seems to improve somewhat since i had my first meeting with my speech trainer i September.. its all the amount of use of this voice now.  i was asked to introduce myself and talk in my new “Frida” voice to the other people at her office as a challenge.. well challenge accepted!  aslong i warm up my voice earlier its “fairly” easy to maintain it, if i fall out of it tho during the day. it is harder to get into it, but you know practifce.

Christmas and the weeks leading up to can be summed up by 3 words: Star wars marathon.  from SW marathon at Laila’s where we completely destroyed the prequels to the 16th at the premiere becoming 5 again. i could write an essay about star wars, perhaps i will, i’ll keep this brief

IT IS F******G AMAZING! i love the characters, new and old, Rey being a total badass! IT looks and feels like star wars, so many references to the originals. The humor is back, the rebelion, crying at the death of Solo and the reveal of Luke

Christmas eve i spend with Laila, Niels and they’re adorable coon babies, having a dutch tradition with a raclette at the middle of the table. surrounded by different kind of meats, shrooms, sauces and more bacon! Tony showed up after his family dinner and the talks came into the realm of Cards A.H  and being distracted by kittens.

So i was supposed to write and read some school during christmas..  weeell there is this thing called Netflix and Star wars rebels. so that was 2days, watched return of the Jedi and another showing  of force awakens on Sunday and now moved on to the first episode of clone wars, so i guess that concludes whats going on for the rest of this year.

So what do i hope for in two thousand sixteen.  well firstly me and Laila going shopping on Saturday (it has been ages since!) soo looking forward to that and of course wine afterwards. but on a broader view, exams this spring, and having the meeting with plastic surgery regarding my operations now in February. if I’m super lucky i get to do SRS  in the fall of 2016 but we’ll see.  Next year will be interesting. it is a year of change, a place where i hopefully find Frida. hope me and Laila gets to connect further during the year.. whole lotsa things i miss doing that i hope will change.

We’ll see how next years comes along, in the meantime i hope you had an excellent Christmas and a merry Happy New Year

 

xoxo Frida

no sleep :(

I been crying and shacking for 3hours. i guess i cannot get any sleep tonight, the shacking just won’t stop 😦 it hurts soo badly, a dark cloud surrounds me, black, grey and purple it swirls around me, never letting go. i seen myself being stabbed. outside my body as it just stopped. jumping off a bridge and more. flashes go away please, nothing is fun anymore, not playing music nor draw, a week until star wars and i aint’ even looking forward too it, fuck why can’t i find any joy.  tried being at the shopping mall the other day,  just being there creates the cloud. i must study but my body wont move 😦 WHY just fuckinng why 😥

Internal voice

Being transgender been on my mind lately, not knowing how to deal with any of it.

So lets start with voice training, how do i find my voice?   not always that easy, but it starts with the internal one, can i hear myself internally how i would like my voice to sound? sometimes i forget and my male one pops up  <Ugh> -.-  but when i am calm and composed i find it easy enough from multiple sources.  firstly warm up my vocal cords (one should never exercise without a proper warm up)  with a 0.5l bottle with a little bit of warm water in it and a big straw, then i start blowing  (no! not that one)   just speaking afterwards the voice is more femme.   now i can listen to my internal one, find a b or a c on the piano and keep  that tone.   the trick is of course not to go below the barrier   (voice cracks up and falls to a deeper spectrum)

But the internal voice is not just there to tell me how i want my words to come out.. it changes who i am, easier to smile, make giggles and make funny faces, i mean sitting in front of my mirror helps me practice, i look silly but the cats only wants cuddles anyways so I’m good 😉

Second is looking at your bank account and you can’t renew yourself. food is enough of a priority. so when my make-up runs out.. I’m out.  same with clothing. one and one piece either breaks or doesn’t fit or just faded.  It has been quite harsh on my mind, as what keeps me above water is that i need to become Frida everyday,
[that’s a difference, i think, between MTF  females and biologically born females.  you are woman as you wake up, no make up hair in all directions. my boobs are like 1/2 a-cup, i see all the male features, feel the facial hair, see the adams apple and the abomination below ]

With my mind spiraling out of control with depressions and anxiety (10days until psychiatrist, feels like an eternity) 1-2years before my surgeries are done,   having this swept  under my feet has sent me face-planting for months, not being able to see any light, distrusting my friends, anxiety for shopping (wai i used to love it) ..  social media  you name it.

I want some way of dreaming of whats to come, not being afraid of it all.  being brave and take a chance at.. well… job, hobbies, possible BF? (wtb),  knowing when my surgeries will take place,  i look SOOOOOOO forward to (.)Y(.) boobies,  think that will become a confidence boost (note: possible BF? 😉 )    as of now I’m too afraid of the notion of  “you’re just a man in a dress”  <= fuck this comment       or if they find about me it just turns silent.  so i dare not date at all.     *snaps outta it*   so boobies that’s a good thing. firstly i will be castrated (just cut ’em off, sterile for a year anyways ’cause HRT)   will make tucking bit easier, before i get to do my SRS or GRS   not sure which is “right”  anywho  Vagina inc 😀

Everyday starts out as a struggle, up to me to change it into a smile before i pass out again.  off too my moms house, bit o’ food and wine finishing my day 1 of smiling

Have a great December, xoxo Frida

 

 

The old familiar pain

what are you

where do you come from

why does it sting so

*

My body is trembling

if a compliment comes my way

i get confused

is anything true

*

I have friends now

pain tells me inevitably

they will they fade

and i will be left alone

*

Will i live to see myself

the reflection looking back at me

i am still trapped within

where is the light

*

I hate this body

I hate this voice

why can’t i live

why must the pain always be present

*

Who am i even

it is still a mystery

will i live to see it?

Will i?

Soon you will be covered in snow and ice

Dear reader Hi!

Soon our grain of sand floating trough space will be covered in snow and ice  once again, the dead will be covered up with little crystals, sparkling with the stars above.

This fall *lets out a long drawn out sigh* i ain’t gonna lie, its been tough! i had “flashes” of bad things happening  to me all my life, but after hormones they are more frequent. E.G   If i see a knife on a table,  i see it drop on my wrist, I can sit up a hill and look down upon a tall building (e.g our hospital) and see myself drop from the roof. but every time It is something else doing it, i am the passive part of my own death. that did change about 3 weeks ago where i dream.. well taking my own life, writing the suicide letter… but WAIT a minute..!?! I do not have a death wish.. well in some sense but what about those left? it scared the sh*t outta me and i finally got to the stage “I need! help” and took the difficult call to the psychologist and will meet him in two and a half week.

I really look forward to it, bit nervous of course, but i want answers to the thousands of questions, why can’t i trust my own friends, why do i feel this shitty, why am i afraid all the time, what are the roots that lead me thinking in a certain way and for days even weeks unable to feel joy.  i try not to have much expectations as i know its no easy way to anything, but rather have an open mind and see what will come of it

I talked about addiction and FB in general!  best thing i did for myself was deactivate my account, it only gave me downward spirals and anxiety. and just seeing a name, a headline, a picture, a comment was enough to ruin my day. now i do not need to talk to anyone and focus on what i need be doing STUDIES!

For now i have 3 subjects i work on,   History (mostly 1850=> present day) English and math.  for the first time in my life i take studies seriously and actually get enjoyment out of it. some sense of accomplishment (however that will come to show at spring exams)

My speech trainer
She is amazing! a heartwarming person whom i look forward to meet ~’bout once a month. you meet that person you just Trust at once, easy to talk to and you know they want your well being.
we found my “ground-voice” but its brittle and needs work, poetry is great for practicing melody, piano is fantastic to find the voice in question. unusual listening to my own voice on a recording but i see its potential where i can be when I’m done,

I’m carefully hopeful for the future, i hope i live to see it. I been patient for 5years in hope that the tides will turn, i still have a couple to go, Life unemployed, living on a bare minimum and of others is hard, humiliating and in many ways turn you cynical, i hope i will live to see Frida blossom as the woman she is and that she will find happiness in life i hope i live to be a part of it.

~Frida