There and back again

For this is not the tale of Mr. B. Baggins, but rather 5.7foot high ape descendant who is trying to catch your attention by giving bits of bait to the click.

*Clears throat* immediately wonders why that must be done while writing 🤔
5 minutes later. Towel! No, that’s not it…

Hi! I wish to address some of the realities of going trough a Gender Reassignment Surgery (Grs from now on) I spoke of the wonders of grs in my last entry, but this will look at the other side of the coin. My journey from first having grs, having 2 weeks home, complications arose, another Operation, 3 weeks more at the hospital and some final words.

8 years from making up my mind, all the years it took me too make up my mind, none of it would prepare me for the storm of emotions that would occur.

Gender Reassignment Surgery
Sunday night, I arrive at my room, it dawns on me, that the following morning i am having my goal, my dream of being whole come true! I start too sweat having, difficulties breathing and rashes start popping up all over my body, i nearly faint but a nurse talks me down, some time later i managed my obligatory shower and a pill to help me sleep, it worked. I wake the next morning being numb just making time pass, having a few words with the surgeon and driven to surgery, my last question before sleep was “Do you have the machine that goes *bing*”? they did! 🙂 a quick note as i progress: one thing is having family and friends supporting me to the doorstep, stepping trough is solitary.

Much has been told about the following week in my last entry, except of my constant morphine/epidural dreams: i think i am having a drink, call for a nurse and talking too them or looking at messages on my phone, then i wake up! I did neither, sometimes so frequent i loose sense of whats real. Taking its toll on my batteries

2nd week, the painkillers drop and eventually I lose my epidural and have a sense of self again, learning how too pee and having the epiphany “so that’s why all the toilet paper is gone” guys! you haven’t a F***ing clue!

Home
I get home, thinking: now im prepared, just dilate and relax! Much of the time this was true. But i never truly fully relaxed, always some tension, slept half ‘n half slumbering trough easter, having a sense i havent processed it all. Wednesday late evening of week 2 at home (3.5week post surgery) i sense something is not right, stitches have broken off and a weird discoloration, panics and call the hospital. I can’t get ahold of a doctor then, but they ask me to call early in the morning, i do and get booked on the first bus on friday, all this time i am scared shitless, is it broken already, 20 years down the drain. A feeling that will stick with me for quite some time.

Complication and 2nd surgery
I arrive, and it is necrosis, parts of the skin down there is dead or dying, the doctor that received me. Calls the surgeon and I am to check into my previous room immediately, so that he can check in on me during the day. Next few days i have my first experiences in the gyno chair, removing dead tissue and preparing me for repairs on friday (5weeks post op). I am to have a skin transplant to replace whats gone. Spending the tuesday/wednes trying to distract myself shopping and coffee touring Oslo, catching up with a few friends and having a good time. Before i get too my room on Wednesday evening, collapsing in bed, breathing heavily having an anxiety attack, i do not remember much between then and OP on friday other the agonising wait. I wake from surgery in in the worst pain i ever experienced, epidural isn’t in yet. I have to sit upright.. crouching my back while they stick a tube between 2 vertebral into my nerve system. Being a hairs width from screaming my lungs out. Remembering morphine and other meds being pumped in me, i estimate 30mins (i could be way off) before i start calming down and breathing properly….

Stepping back for a moment. Not everything all the time is bad or hurtful, and i skip moments of good talks with strangers i share room with, the time i was sure i heard a dog only to realise it was a child, spring flowers and a squirel But rather find the underlying feelings i have but i suppress, that will soon reveal themselves.

Weekend goes past, monday then Tuesday, Wednesdays I have my first tampon change, “have the operation been successful?” I go back under, and i wake up even more agonising than 5days ago, epidural seem to have little to no effect. Eventually the pain gets under control but im scared, confused and alone, i wait for the surgeon, but i cant get ahold of him before the following morning. Most seem to have settled, but we will not know all certain before monday. That night i have the worst nightmare i have ever experienced, in short: *in my dream* I am with someone near and being told how horrible i am, how useless and otherwise incapable of getting anything done etc… i break down completely and i wake with waterfalls out of my eyes and shaking all over. I pull a string and nurse comes over. I ask for a hug, having spilled my heart out, i get Valium, an hour later still having shivers, scared of falling asleep again but eventually just pass out.

Much of what happened before monday is a black haze, I was exhausted both mentally and physically. Luckily most has grown, more so the following day and I am to start my dilation schedule again. One nurse spends quite some time with me that evening, explaining that my body basically climbed mt. Everest. No wonder im spendt. We talk about the joys and all my fears before and during. She opens my eyes once more, pulling me from the depths, ” You are on the other side now, You made it! You have worth and wanted! What you feel is normal, let it out, today you have 2 tasks: dilate once, no more and sleep” she gives me a huge hug and leave work. That would the first good nights sleep i have in weeks. As of writing this, its saturday, i got great news yesterday, nearly everything has grown ‘n looks good, off antibiotics, blood thinners and soon painkillers. i get to go home on monday and start working in 2 weeks.

Final thoughts

Going trough something like this is no trifle matter, you pass trough hell, greet hades and return reborn. I mean not to scare but rather convey a truth rarely spoken off and a tool for me to prosses it. I want too have a special shoutout too nurses, my hats off, without you i wouldn’t made it. The job you do is amazing, so Thank you!

A journey done that can be measured in weeks, years or even decades is at an end. I am whole and ready for whats around the next corner, field or sea, see you there!

*Artistic scribbles that may resemble a signature*

At Journeys end

The feeling you get, when you are at the doorstep of “having your life’s dream come true”

In september i had my boobies done. The following mornin’ i stood in the mirror and saw me for the first time, body dismorphia was gone! the last operation (Grs) was now just a thing to get trough.

So now it is Seventeen days away from that day.   It finaly dawned on me: that i am to be reborn, leave all physical traces of what was, behind!   not as different person, but one with body and mind (for the very first time ♪ ♫)

I am scared for what can and cannot go wrong (during OP). Wary of the dialation schedule i have to uphold for the rest of my life.

A train of thoughts regarding intimacy: at one end i cannot wait until that can happen, even tho it will be along time still. so my 3rd puberty starts, getting to know one’s body all over again.
At the other end im scared shitless, ’cause i am so desensitized too being with another human, that the feeling i get, is a mixture of fear, panic and wanting to run away.

With a blur the day suddenly stands before me
we both stand by the door, saying our goodbye’
A lifetime to live
Life! Suprise me.